Since my last post, I've been really busy (by busy, I really mean lying around, watching pirated movies..ooh, Silver Linings Playbook, Django & This Is 40 are all SOOO GOOD!! I highly recommend them all- Christopher Waltz BETTER win best supporting actor for Django...his role was superb). Plus, we've actually made some good headway with the Pinewood Derby car (I'm surprised too, trust me)!
The thing that has (honestly) kept me the most busy is Ben. He got his report card & although he got all "Satisfactories" in personal development (what??? You're kidding me), he got 2 "C's" (1 in math & 1 in language) & a nice little note in the "comments" section letting me (once again) that he has no attention span, can't stay focused, disrupts others & his "quirks" are causing behavioral issues. WOW....what a kick to the motherly groin! I KNOW my son's got his fair share of issues, but to hear (or read) someone else say (or write) them, it hurts. It hurts bad. It breaks my heart to look at him, knowing he IS trying..something is just not clicking.
I've been working extra hard with him on his self-control and on math & grammar facts. He seems to be improving daily! My mom taught me a lot about being a good mother, but she set the bar pretty damn high as far as the art mothering goes, so it's very hard to even come close to the outstanding job she did with my siblings and I. Plus, our situation is very different. Medically different. Ben was diagnosed with slight Asperger's Syndrome (informally) by his former pediatrician, all his teachers have agreed. This year ADHD/ADD has also been thrown around (although NO FORMAL DIAGNOSIS has been done- just educated guesses from doctors & teachers). All that, plus, at seven years old, has been through a tremendous amount of shit no ADULT should even have to endure.
If I've learned anything this past month, it's that I'm not the world's greatest mom....I'm far from it, but, I love my little stink and he loves the shit outta me. I love him so much I would literally DIE for him. I know, any good mom would say that, but when your dealing with my son, it takes restraint, control and nerves of steel. Not many people (including his/my family, teachers & doctors) can deal with him for longer than a few hours without either calling me to come pick him up (family), have conferences about his behavior (teachers) or suggest testing (doctors), which, I HAVE done. He's on Medicaid, so NO specialist wants to treat him or when we DO find someone willing to work w/him, they just tell me he'll grow out of it! He IS very difficult to get through to and sometimes, you just can't! It doesn't mean I've failed him as a mother, no, he'll love me unconditionally just like I do him. It just means I have to come up with a different way to get through. I've learned that by just breathing, stepping back and reassessing the situations, I, WE, can figure things out....together. The way it should be. He's taught me patience, acceptance, empathy and humor. That sure, we're both gonna screw up, hell, I screw things up DAILY, but instead of beating myself up, learn to laugh at the little things. He's taught me that I can do ANYTHING! I am a strong mama who will do whatever it takes to see him succeed.
So, all that being said, that's why I haven't posted the Tasty Tuesday edition featuring my favorite recipes. Ben comes first. He spent many years playing second fiddle to MY personal problems (my mother's death, my multiple bi-polar episodes, financial troubles, my father growing ill, me constantly being in the hospital, almost dying multiple times, losing 3 babies to ectopic & miscarriages, you get the idea). But no more.
I've fully committed myself to being 110% there for him. Emotionally, physically, mentally, basically the whole shebang. I know there's gonna be so many days when all the blood, sweat and tears pays off, but I also know there's gonna be days where I'm ready to pull my hair out, days where I just wanna scream, but that's OK. He's gonna be OK, we're all gonna be OK.
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